I live in a land void of culture. Honestly, I think that I started out to be a really interesting and intellectual person who examined things and had the potential to form her own opinions without the aid of others. I also think the person I started out to be got lost along the way, stifled by the superficial, nonsensical, and bizarre country folk syndrome that runs rampant in the highways and byways where I grew up.
I learned to read when I was about 4 because my older brother had so much trouble with it that my parents actually worked with him at home on it and it came naturally to me once I was introduced. For the next several years I read anything and everything I could get my hands on. I read all my brothers reading booksand all my reading books. Then I started rummaging my grandmother's book shelves and read all of her Reader's Digest and the romance novels. I also raided my babysitters book shelves the summer before second grade because she was old and boring and watched nothing but soap operas. She had the whole series of Nancy Drew and the Hardee Boys. Before the summer was through, I was back down to Reader's Digest again. I guess it never occured to me to actually ask my parents to buy me books or take me to the public library. I never saw either of my parents read a book until I was in the sixth grade or so when my dad got into reading sci-fi books.
When school started my second grade year I had this awesome teacher named Mrs Kearn who read us the Laura Ingalls Wilder series and the Helen Keller books. I loved them and spent the rest of the year trying to find more book series to read. My best friend at the time (and the only person around with whom I could have a converstion that was about thinking or reading) was getting into Trixie Belden; so I read those too.
As you can tell, I really got down to the nitty-gritty reading by 3rd grade. I fell in love with Edgar Allen Poe after reading his poem "The Raven" in my brother's reading book. So I tried getting those from the library at school only to find that they were not in the library that I was allowed to use. I manged to get my brother to get some for me and I read those. By the end of that year I had read most of the classic junior high required reading lists. I took a break from the heavy stuff and followed the babysitter's club for awhile.
My friend and I had toyed with writing some poetry and thought it was just awesome so we read some of that together and talked about it, we also talked about what we were studying in school. I think at first the long discussions about what were reading in history books were just an effort to get rid of her eavesdropping little brothers, but we found something satisfying in it. We read Gone with The Wind together in sixth grade, and then decided to write our own epic saga. I cannot say what all it was about because it too emberassing, but it was a great time and the project spanned two years or more. I wish I still had the manuscript. We had 3 of those manilla bradded folders full of it. I kept it until about high school and then read it on a whim one day, found it to be emberassing and burned it.
Back to my comment about forgetting who I was. My friend decided one day that she was going to be in the "in" crowd and made conscious effort to fit in. She did not mean to leave me behind, but I could not see myself joining sports or dressing in the little girl clothes that the popular girls wore. They were all known for being smart, but I knew smart was not a grade, and I found their conversations to be dry and gossip driven. I trekked on alone.
I felt deeply betrayed by my one true friend and failed in making another best friend for years. Before her I was a loaner and after her I was also a bit of a loaner. I did find that if I wanted to talk about anything besides hair and boys that I could talk to the boys. They were full of theory and jive talk at that age, but I liked that so I chatted them up for awhile as well as played baseball with them in the neighborhood. This only suceeded in further alienating me from the other girls who were just discovering what boys were for. YAY ME!
I got to be the first one they called flirt and tease and all those good names that jealous girls like to throw about. So I withdrew. More books, more efforts at writing short stories and poetry. Still, no one to talk to. I did make a couple of friends my seventh grade year who I could have deep conversations with, two of them moved away, and the third was someone I was not able to commit to making a connection with yet and he eventually disappeared only to resurface years and years later and almost too late night I add.
Sometimes I long to have my old first friend back. We spent so many hours weaving dreams together and I tried many times to get our old friendship back but even though she left the efforts for popularity by the wayside, that's where I reamained as well.
So why am I up writing this (rather poorly too I might add) blog about the past. Because it sometimes haunts me. The person I failed to make the connection with all those years ago is very much a part of my life now and it chills me to the bone to think about how he could have been there for me all this time. How different life might have been.
Also in the department of how different it could have been. If I had not grown up in a hick town where not knowing any better was an ok excuse, and they were running "blacks" out of town with torches a good thirty years after segregation, I would have joined the Peace Corp but I thought it was not for real people, just another of my fairy tails.
There were so many dreams that I thought were not real because I read them in books but did not see anyone around me doing it. WOW! I need to get out of here.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Blacklisted by the Sandman
So here I am again. 12:45 AM. Nope, not really sleepy. This sort of thing happens a lot. Not every night though at least. Mr Sandman cut his budget in the Mac household, anymore it seems that he only visits one person a night in this bedroom. I am thankful that most of the time it is me, but Paul's lack of sleep sometimes seems as if it is a trade off, if I had his mental capacity I would be drunk with power and never sleep.
I think it's something pretty simple compounded by something sort of dark. If Paul is awake, he is pounding they keys of the computer or listening to music and the sound makes me feel all warm and fuzzy because it is audio evidence that I am not alone. When the house is quiet, the demons creep in. You know what I mean?
The kind of demons that haunt you when you've been to hell and back and lived to tell the tale. It's those things that come to visit you in the night when no one is there to pull you out of the fire. For me even the tamest night starts out with that satisfaction of stretching out across the cool sheets with thoughts winding down. I like to think of things that give me a sense of accomplishment. The problem with that is my tendency to look at things from a comparative perspective so as to see the value in the status-quoa.
Looking back and then looking at the present has an eerie way of instilling a sense of melancholy. I am a fan of melancholy, but it tends to take me to a very strange place. I sort of just float on a plain just above reality where anything can happen and it's usually bad. After a dozen or so full fledged doomsday scenarios float through my head, I get up and try to purge the bad thoughts for mental health purposes.
Let me just say this, exercising the demons literally is a bad thing. Try going to sleep after 30 minutes of cardio, not gonna happen! Sometimes I blog which makes me sleepy, further reinforcing that theory that I cannot sleep when Paul is sleeping because it is too quiet. Sometimes, you just stick it out. Folks, tonight is not the night for sticking it out, but the good news is that I am feeling a little sleepy.
If anyone needs me I will be staring at the ceiling wishing I had not polished off that book about the Branch-Davidian cult so close to bed time. If there is anything to be learned here it's this: Vernon Howell was a sick fuck and he is in cahoots with the sandman tonight.
I think it's something pretty simple compounded by something sort of dark. If Paul is awake, he is pounding they keys of the computer or listening to music and the sound makes me feel all warm and fuzzy because it is audio evidence that I am not alone. When the house is quiet, the demons creep in. You know what I mean?
The kind of demons that haunt you when you've been to hell and back and lived to tell the tale. It's those things that come to visit you in the night when no one is there to pull you out of the fire. For me even the tamest night starts out with that satisfaction of stretching out across the cool sheets with thoughts winding down. I like to think of things that give me a sense of accomplishment. The problem with that is my tendency to look at things from a comparative perspective so as to see the value in the status-quoa.
Looking back and then looking at the present has an eerie way of instilling a sense of melancholy. I am a fan of melancholy, but it tends to take me to a very strange place. I sort of just float on a plain just above reality where anything can happen and it's usually bad. After a dozen or so full fledged doomsday scenarios float through my head, I get up and try to purge the bad thoughts for mental health purposes.
Let me just say this, exercising the demons literally is a bad thing. Try going to sleep after 30 minutes of cardio, not gonna happen! Sometimes I blog which makes me sleepy, further reinforcing that theory that I cannot sleep when Paul is sleeping because it is too quiet. Sometimes, you just stick it out. Folks, tonight is not the night for sticking it out, but the good news is that I am feeling a little sleepy.
If anyone needs me I will be staring at the ceiling wishing I had not polished off that book about the Branch-Davidian cult so close to bed time. If there is anything to be learned here it's this: Vernon Howell was a sick fuck and he is in cahoots with the sandman tonight.
The Yellow submarine and tipeecanoe the jello queen
Let me just start by saying this.I hate water. There is no grand mystery as to why, the answer is fear. When my friend Krissy invited me along on her float trip I am not even sure why I agreed to go. Maybe because she is my friend and I was relatively sure she would not let me die.
That being said,you know that eerie feeling you sometimes get when you know something isn't right? Well, I got that feeling while we were renting our canoe when an unseen dog growled at us from under the trailer where the toothless lady was telling us to sign our names on the "contract" that we in civilization like to call a piece of notebook paper. It was then that I realized our travels had taken us to just past the corner of BFE and YOU GOT A PURDY MOUTH.
Once we all paid, we had to load up on a school bus. Sorry, school buses creep me out. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that my most recent bus days were spent being felt up by random band geeks ( at least one of whom I manged to marry some 12 years later) abd the fact that the drunken bus driver navigated a bus like my Uncle Homer.I would have to say that the coup de gras was when they dropped us off in a cow field. WTF COWS!?!?
I felt much better once we shoved off on the only yellow canoe on the river singing "we all live in a yellow submarine" at the tops of our lungs. I felt oodles better when Amber revealed her treasure from the next boat over. JELLO SHOTS!!! Amber, I love you for supplying our trip with wiggly-jiggly goodness! They were so cool and firm, I only wished for a longer tongue to slide across the bottom of the cup.
We were still sucking down Jello shots 2 hours into the float. Someone brought sweet tea vodka and hard lemonaide, so we shared Arnold Palmer between rounds of Jello. By the way, if you pour some Arnold Palmer into one of those jello cups and dare someone to drinkit, out of a half dozen drunks someone will, even though you already convinced them it's pee.
Besides the average banter about who would win in a fight, Batman or Superman (by the way, the correct answer is Batman simply because he is a bad-ass and that is no thanks to stupid Christain Bale's interpretation of him), important rules were decided on this float trip for future float trips. From now on, only chartruce shirts (girls do not have to wear them but must show boobage to earn the right not to) flip flops are the best footware, SPF 60 is the minimum sunscreen allowed, cold KFC is for lunch, and someone needs to figure out a way to make pudding shots. Oh yeah and most importantly, find shallower jello cups because Jenna likes to lick the bottom and her tongue, like the rest of her, is short (it's not the size, it's how you use it).
I did not regret my decision to go on the trip that day. I am not gonna lie, there were times when I was a little worried, but John Lennon once said "all you need is love" and I loves me some jello shots, so everything was okay!
That being said,you know that eerie feeling you sometimes get when you know something isn't right? Well, I got that feeling while we were renting our canoe when an unseen dog growled at us from under the trailer where the toothless lady was telling us to sign our names on the "contract" that we in civilization like to call a piece of notebook paper. It was then that I realized our travels had taken us to just past the corner of BFE and YOU GOT A PURDY MOUTH.
Once we all paid, we had to load up on a school bus. Sorry, school buses creep me out. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that my most recent bus days were spent being felt up by random band geeks ( at least one of whom I manged to marry some 12 years later) abd the fact that the drunken bus driver navigated a bus like my Uncle Homer.I would have to say that the coup de gras was when they dropped us off in a cow field. WTF COWS!?!?
I felt much better once we shoved off on the only yellow canoe on the river singing "we all live in a yellow submarine" at the tops of our lungs. I felt oodles better when Amber revealed her treasure from the next boat over. JELLO SHOTS!!! Amber, I love you for supplying our trip with wiggly-jiggly goodness! They were so cool and firm, I only wished for a longer tongue to slide across the bottom of the cup.
We were still sucking down Jello shots 2 hours into the float. Someone brought sweet tea vodka and hard lemonaide, so we shared Arnold Palmer between rounds of Jello. By the way, if you pour some Arnold Palmer into one of those jello cups and dare someone to drinkit, out of a half dozen drunks someone will, even though you already convinced them it's pee.
Besides the average banter about who would win in a fight, Batman or Superman (by the way, the correct answer is Batman simply because he is a bad-ass and that is no thanks to stupid Christain Bale's interpretation of him), important rules were decided on this float trip for future float trips. From now on, only chartruce shirts (girls do not have to wear them but must show boobage to earn the right not to) flip flops are the best footware, SPF 60 is the minimum sunscreen allowed, cold KFC is for lunch, and someone needs to figure out a way to make pudding shots. Oh yeah and most importantly, find shallower jello cups because Jenna likes to lick the bottom and her tongue, like the rest of her, is short (it's not the size, it's how you use it).
I did not regret my decision to go on the trip that day. I am not gonna lie, there were times when I was a little worried, but John Lennon once said "all you need is love" and I loves me some jello shots, so everything was okay!
Sunday, July 5, 2009
iPhone
Dude, seriously I dream about the i-Phone every night! i guess that's why I don't sleep! I work for Best Buy Mobile, which is a very cool job, but I swear I cannot handle all this repetition! If I wanted to do the exact same thing 900 times in a day, I would go to work at a factory where people are at least busy enough to mind their own business.
I propose an iPhone hotline. Just a little menu in 888-BestBuy to answer any frequently asked iPhone questions. Here is how it should go:
"Thank you for calling 888-Bestbuy. If you want to know about the iPhone 3G, press 1."
"1"
"Welcome to the iPhone FAQ menu. If you want to buy an iPhone and give it as a gift, press 1"
"1"
"You Can't!!!!!!!!!!"
"If you want to return to the iPhone FAQ menu, press 9"
"9"
"Welcome to the iPhone FAQ menu. If you want to buy an iPhone and give it as a gift, press 1. If you want to buy the iPhone and use it on another carrier, press 2"
"2"
"You can't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you want to return to the iPhone FAQ menu, press 9"
"9"
"Welcome to the iPhone FAQ menu. If you want to buy an iPhone and give it as a gift, press 1"
"1"
"Welcome to the iPhone FAQ menu. If you want to buy an iPhone and give it as a gift, press 1. If you want to buy the iPhone and use it on another carrier, press 2. If you want to buy an iPhone with no contract, press 3"
"3"
"You can't!!!!!!!!!! "If you want to return to the iPhone FAQ menu, press 9"
"9"
Welcome to the iPhone FAQ menu. If you want to buy an iPhone and give it as a gift, press 1. If you want to buy the iPhone and use it on another carrier, press 2. If you want to buy an iPhone with no contract, press 3. If you just want an iPhone, but you really don't need it to be a phone, press 4."
"4"
"Buy a freakin' ipod touch!!! If you want to return to the iPhone FAQ menu, press 9"
"9"
Welcome to the iPhone FAQ menu. If you want to buy an iPhone and give it as a gift, press 1. If you want to buy the iPhone and use it on another carrier, press 2. If you want to buy an iPhone with no contract, press 3. If you just want an iPhone, but you really don't need it to be a phone, press 4. For a list of things you can do with the iPhone pertaining to service and providers, press 5."
"5"
"You can purchase the phone on a 2 year contract with AT&T. You can use it with AT&T's special iPhone data plan. You can buy the iPhone in your own freaking country!"
"It appears that you know everything there is to know about the iPhone now. Please hang up and report to your nearest Best Buy call center, you are qualified to work on the phone now."
I propose an iPhone hotline. Just a little menu in 888-BestBuy to answer any frequently asked iPhone questions. Here is how it should go:
"Thank you for calling 888-Bestbuy. If you want to know about the iPhone 3G, press 1."
"1"
"Welcome to the iPhone FAQ menu. If you want to buy an iPhone and give it as a gift, press 1"
"1"
"You Can't!!!!!!!!!!"
"If you want to return to the iPhone FAQ menu, press 9"
"9"
"Welcome to the iPhone FAQ menu. If you want to buy an iPhone and give it as a gift, press 1. If you want to buy the iPhone and use it on another carrier, press 2"
"2"
"You can't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you want to return to the iPhone FAQ menu, press 9"
"9"
"Welcome to the iPhone FAQ menu. If you want to buy an iPhone and give it as a gift, press 1"
"1"
"Welcome to the iPhone FAQ menu. If you want to buy an iPhone and give it as a gift, press 1. If you want to buy the iPhone and use it on another carrier, press 2. If you want to buy an iPhone with no contract, press 3"
"3"
"You can't!!!!!!!!!! "If you want to return to the iPhone FAQ menu, press 9"
"9"
Welcome to the iPhone FAQ menu. If you want to buy an iPhone and give it as a gift, press 1. If you want to buy the iPhone and use it on another carrier, press 2. If you want to buy an iPhone with no contract, press 3. If you just want an iPhone, but you really don't need it to be a phone, press 4."
"4"
"Buy a freakin' ipod touch!!! If you want to return to the iPhone FAQ menu, press 9"
"9"
Welcome to the iPhone FAQ menu. If you want to buy an iPhone and give it as a gift, press 1. If you want to buy the iPhone and use it on another carrier, press 2. If you want to buy an iPhone with no contract, press 3. If you just want an iPhone, but you really don't need it to be a phone, press 4. For a list of things you can do with the iPhone pertaining to service and providers, press 5."
"5"
"You can purchase the phone on a 2 year contract with AT&T. You can use it with AT&T's special iPhone data plan. You can buy the iPhone in your own freaking country!"
"It appears that you know everything there is to know about the iPhone now. Please hang up and report to your nearest Best Buy call center, you are qualified to work on the phone now."
I know why the Caged bird sings....maybe not
I feel I must gain a certain amount of self understanding before I reach the milestone of age 30. I have always known and readily admitted that my opinions and interests wayne in accordance to those of whom I keep company with.
If there is one thing I do know about myself, it's that I am a people-pleaser. I do admit to being vile and non-conformist at times, but when it comes right down to it I just want to make others happy. If I have something someone else wants, I am just as happy giving it away as I am having it. To me it has never been about what you have, but rather who you have.
Maybe it's because I am so relationship focused that I have neglected myself. I have spent so much energy surrounding myself with quality people, that my personal needs and identity got lost in the mix.
Well no more! It's about time I start remembering who I am and get back to who I started out to be. It's corny and cliched but this is my blog and I will say it anyway....I am on a journey of self discovery!
If there is one thing I do know about myself, it's that I am a people-pleaser. I do admit to being vile and non-conformist at times, but when it comes right down to it I just want to make others happy. If I have something someone else wants, I am just as happy giving it away as I am having it. To me it has never been about what you have, but rather who you have.
Maybe it's because I am so relationship focused that I have neglected myself. I have spent so much energy surrounding myself with quality people, that my personal needs and identity got lost in the mix.
Well no more! It's about time I start remembering who I am and get back to who I started out to be. It's corny and cliched but this is my blog and I will say it anyway....I am on a journey of self discovery!
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